So I know this blog like, barely exists, only has one follower, hasn't been used in over a year, etc. etc.
But I have something kind of deplorable to say and I didn't want to say it on Facebook
I don't really care about the car crash that happened Friday night. It hasn't impacted me in any way. People who need medical attention are getting it, people who died are either in heaven or hell (and I'm not Catholic so I don't believe there's anything for me to do for them) and the people who are mourning have friends and so far none of them have wanted to talk to me, because I don't really know any of them.
I'm depressed all by myself as is, it doesn't matter to me as much as it probably should or as much as it seems to matter to everyone else on campus.
Does that mean there's something wrong with me? I don't think so. I happen to have things wrong with but that is probably not one of them.
I am really really in a bad place. What would be terribly wrong of me would be to pretend I'm sad because of the crash so that people will get that my pain is real, instead of telling people how I really feel and having them not care or think I'm stupid.
I just can't be happy any more.
My chemicals don't know how.
I can be angry. I can be tired. Hungry, impatient, bored, afraid, worried, bitter, jealous. Boy can I ever be angry. But the happiness I get from beautiful things is fleeting and then I fall apart right afterwards. My brain clings to the bad things, focuses on the mess, the worry, the fear.
Going to counseling doesn't seem to help for more than an afternoon.
Talking with friends is only sometimes good, and only as long as we're talking.
I'm all fallen apart and no one seems to have the patience to pick up the pieces for me, and I certainly can't do it. There's a reason it took all the king's horses and all the king's men to put HD back together again, and it's not just because horses are bad at puzzles and delicate detail work.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Juggling Oranges
I suppose I'd better start by mentioning that I've posted some things in a "school" blog lately. I'm calling it Sophos-Moros to satisfy my love of puns and self-lampooning. I'm just copying posts that I've put on class blogs and also speeches, papers, and essays and putting them there, sort of as a resume and partly to make them available to anyone with interest.
On to the bloggy stuff:
I came up with an analogy the other day that I feel adequately describes college life. It's like I'm juggling oranges. Sometimes just one, sometimes five or six. (We'll ignore for the moment the fact that I'm incapable of juggling more than three things or for more than a few seconds, although on second thought that fits the analogy fairly well.) The catch is, I don't just have to keep the oranges in the air - I need to peel them. Perfectly. And then turn them in to my professors. (Side note: I had to edit that sentence - at first I put into rather than in to. Hilarity ensues.) So - life? Life is like juggling oranges.
Orange number 1: School. Obviously school is supposed to be my number one priority, since it's costing a lot, taking up a lot of time, and (theoretically) will shape everything about the rest of my life forever and always. I'm taking Ethics (with Randy Harris. Jealous? :D ), Core (with McCracken and Willerton. Again I say: Jealous?), Honors Speech (ridiculous amount of homework but a great class nonetheless), Developmental Psychology (I'm making a baby! Only a virtual one, but it's really interesting!), Choir (We're singing a song in French about dancing monks), and Costume Design (we're making outfits for The King and I right now).
Orange numbers 2 and 3: God. Obviously God is supposed to be my number one priority, since He's the creator of the universe and saver of my soul, and (theoretically) everything I do should be completely and totally focused on Him. Sadly, I'm not as good at that as I should be. This is actually two oranges. The first one is my personal walk with God. I've committed to getting up early and doing a Bible Study in the morning every day but Sunday.... We'll see how that goes. Prayer appreciated!
The second one is that I've also committed to running a Bible Study type thing here on campus. I'm not really sure yet what it's going to look like, but the idea God has been hammering into my school since the middle of the summer goes something like this: I will be in the COBA (College of Business Administration) Quiet Place (which is next to the spiral staircase on the main floor) from 5 to 6 PM every school day for the purpose of being available to anyone who needs a shoulder to cry on, a big hug, a listening ear, some encouragement, or just some distraction and happiness in the middle of a bad day. It doesn't have to be just people I know, either - I'm hoping that this becomes a campus-wide ministry. And specifically, on Thursdays I'll have a passage chosen to talk about with as many people as want to show up that day (PLEASE COME if you can! I really think God is going to do things!) so that we can discuss it and talk about what God is doing in our lives and just generally fellowship together.
Orange number 4: Relationships. Obviously my friends are supposed to be my top priority, since I feel my spiritual gift is encouragement and I believe my purpose in life is to bless people by being a reflection of Christ. Not only that, but "Love your neighbor", and "Do unto others", and "Couldn't that girl use a compliment?" and "Go give that guy a hug", as Jesus often reminds me. Please pray that I'll continue to focus on loving like Jesus (sacrificially and without judgement) to everyone around me.
Orange number 5: Work. Obviously work is supposed to be my top priority, since it's the means by which I earn money to, I dunno, buy food and water, gas, Dr. Pepper, books, and Sharpies. Not only that but it's a commitment I've made to do my absolute best and serve customers above and beyond the call of duty. I should get a medal or something.
Orange number 6: Being an idiot. OK so maybe this one isn't EVER supposed to be a priority, but it seems like it kind of takes over my life anyway. Recently I've lost my wallet, forgotten about homework assignments, had something awful go wrong with my laptop screen that meant I had to get it repaired, forgotten to do laundry, take showers, eat, and use the bathroom (not all at once though).... Generally I'm just a mess. Please pray that God gives me (and everyone around me!) patience and strength to deal with all the trouble I get myself into.
On to the bloggy stuff:
I came up with an analogy the other day that I feel adequately describes college life. It's like I'm juggling oranges. Sometimes just one, sometimes five or six. (We'll ignore for the moment the fact that I'm incapable of juggling more than three things or for more than a few seconds, although on second thought that fits the analogy fairly well.) The catch is, I don't just have to keep the oranges in the air - I need to peel them. Perfectly. And then turn them in to my professors. (Side note: I had to edit that sentence - at first I put into rather than in to. Hilarity ensues.) So - life? Life is like juggling oranges.
Orange number 1: School. Obviously school is supposed to be my number one priority, since it's costing a lot, taking up a lot of time, and (theoretically) will shape everything about the rest of my life forever and always. I'm taking Ethics (with Randy Harris. Jealous? :D ), Core (with McCracken and Willerton. Again I say: Jealous?), Honors Speech (ridiculous amount of homework but a great class nonetheless), Developmental Psychology (I'm making a baby! Only a virtual one, but it's really interesting!), Choir (We're singing a song in French about dancing monks), and Costume Design (we're making outfits for The King and I right now).
Orange numbers 2 and 3: God. Obviously God is supposed to be my number one priority, since He's the creator of the universe and saver of my soul, and (theoretically) everything I do should be completely and totally focused on Him. Sadly, I'm not as good at that as I should be. This is actually two oranges. The first one is my personal walk with God. I've committed to getting up early and doing a Bible Study in the morning every day but Sunday.... We'll see how that goes. Prayer appreciated!
The second one is that I've also committed to running a Bible Study type thing here on campus. I'm not really sure yet what it's going to look like, but the idea God has been hammering into my school since the middle of the summer goes something like this: I will be in the COBA (College of Business Administration) Quiet Place (which is next to the spiral staircase on the main floor) from 5 to 6 PM every school day for the purpose of being available to anyone who needs a shoulder to cry on, a big hug, a listening ear, some encouragement, or just some distraction and happiness in the middle of a bad day. It doesn't have to be just people I know, either - I'm hoping that this becomes a campus-wide ministry. And specifically, on Thursdays I'll have a passage chosen to talk about with as many people as want to show up that day (PLEASE COME if you can! I really think God is going to do things!) so that we can discuss it and talk about what God is doing in our lives and just generally fellowship together.
Orange number 4: Relationships. Obviously my friends are supposed to be my top priority, since I feel my spiritual gift is encouragement and I believe my purpose in life is to bless people by being a reflection of Christ. Not only that, but "Love your neighbor", and "Do unto others", and "Couldn't that girl use a compliment?" and "Go give that guy a hug", as Jesus often reminds me. Please pray that I'll continue to focus on loving like Jesus (sacrificially and without judgement) to everyone around me.
Orange number 5: Work. Obviously work is supposed to be my top priority, since it's the means by which I earn money to, I dunno, buy food and water, gas, Dr. Pepper, books, and Sharpies. Not only that but it's a commitment I've made to do my absolute best and serve customers above and beyond the call of duty. I should get a medal or something.
Orange number 6: Being an idiot. OK so maybe this one isn't EVER supposed to be a priority, but it seems like it kind of takes over my life anyway. Recently I've lost my wallet, forgotten about homework assignments, had something awful go wrong with my laptop screen that meant I had to get it repaired, forgotten to do laundry, take showers, eat, and use the bathroom (not all at once though).... Generally I'm just a mess. Please pray that God gives me (and everyone around me!) patience and strength to deal with all the trouble I get myself into.
Friday, December 10, 2010
One Semester Later
So it's been about a semester since I last posted. My last final is today at noon.
God has done so many things in my life over the past few months. I never knew life could be so packed full of new experiences! I've met people that I hope to be friends with for the rest of my life, and restarted friendships with people I hadn't seen in ages.
What's been happening with me? I can't even... I mean... Wow. Well...
For starters, God has really taught me a lesson in humility. I don't HAVE to get perfect grades, and it's not the end of the world if I don't. It's ok to look stupid or make mistakes when surrounded by people I love. I'm not better than anyone else, and I don't have the right to look at people and judge them, or tell them that they aren't good enough. If God loves me, He can love them! And if He loves them, who am I to tell them He doesn't, or that it's harder to earn my love than God's? But I've also had to balance that with the idea that loving someone and not judging them doesn't mean that I think their actions are acceptable, necessarily... It's difficult to find the happy medium between "Hey man, do whatever you want, it's all good" and "How could you do such a terrible thing? We can't be friends." But neither of those options is loving, or even any fun. So yeah.
I've learned about psychological disorders, and what it feels like in my hand to get the shading just right, and how to loosen up and be OK with a little bit of abstraction, and that the Gospels are a lot more different from each other than I thought in important and interesting ways, and that Dr. Steven Moore can dance, and that just because a professor seems unapproachable and rude doesn't mean I can't learn to like them and get them to like me back.
I've learned that I can't park in that lot between Mabee, the library, and the Admin building during the day, but I CAN after the work day ends. The coffee shop in the library makes delicious smoothies, but they cost a lot.If the professor says to check the blog, check the blog for goodness sakes, it's not that difficult. Planning to leave my house at 7:45 will not get me to my 8:00 on time, but leaving at 7:30 will make me ten minutes early. Starting an assignment RIGHT when it's assigned doesn't mean less free time, it means a better grade and less stress later. Walking around campus talking with someone on the spur of the moment can be the best decision I make all day. It can also be a complete waste of time. These two are not non-compatible (AKA wasting time is OK as long as it's not time that would otherwise be important). Dancing is good excercise, not as awkward as it looks, and also not as hard as it looks (except for the easy parts, which are way harder).And sometimes it's OK to not post as much as you'd like to if it means you can get other things (things with ACTUAL deadlines) done, too. On that note, I'll write more later. :)
God has done so many things in my life over the past few months. I never knew life could be so packed full of new experiences! I've met people that I hope to be friends with for the rest of my life, and restarted friendships with people I hadn't seen in ages.
What's been happening with me? I can't even... I mean... Wow. Well...
For starters, God has really taught me a lesson in humility. I don't HAVE to get perfect grades, and it's not the end of the world if I don't. It's ok to look stupid or make mistakes when surrounded by people I love. I'm not better than anyone else, and I don't have the right to look at people and judge them, or tell them that they aren't good enough. If God loves me, He can love them! And if He loves them, who am I to tell them He doesn't, or that it's harder to earn my love than God's? But I've also had to balance that with the idea that loving someone and not judging them doesn't mean that I think their actions are acceptable, necessarily... It's difficult to find the happy medium between "Hey man, do whatever you want, it's all good" and "How could you do such a terrible thing? We can't be friends." But neither of those options is loving, or even any fun. So yeah.
I've learned about psychological disorders, and what it feels like in my hand to get the shading just right, and how to loosen up and be OK with a little bit of abstraction, and that the Gospels are a lot more different from each other than I thought in important and interesting ways, and that Dr. Steven Moore can dance, and that just because a professor seems unapproachable and rude doesn't mean I can't learn to like them and get them to like me back.
I've learned that I can't park in that lot between Mabee, the library, and the Admin building during the day, but I CAN after the work day ends. The coffee shop in the library makes delicious smoothies, but they cost a lot.If the professor says to check the blog, check the blog for goodness sakes, it's not that difficult. Planning to leave my house at 7:45 will not get me to my 8:00 on time, but leaving at 7:30 will make me ten minutes early. Starting an assignment RIGHT when it's assigned doesn't mean less free time, it means a better grade and less stress later. Walking around campus talking with someone on the spur of the moment can be the best decision I make all day. It can also be a complete waste of time. These two are not non-compatible (AKA wasting time is OK as long as it's not time that would otherwise be important). Dancing is good excercise, not as awkward as it looks, and also not as hard as it looks (except for the easy parts, which are way harder).And sometimes it's OK to not post as much as you'd like to if it means you can get other things (things with ACTUAL deadlines) done, too. On that note, I'll write more later. :)
Monday, July 26, 2010
Since then...
Now that I've finally gotten that last post about Spain out of the way, I'll give you a quick run through of what I've been up to since then.
I stayed at my grandma's house for a few days recovering from jet lag and waiting for Mom's plane to come in. I drove home from Justin Thursday morning in my NEWLY PAINTED CAR (which I didn't know about until we arrived at the car place, me confused and mom giggling). I got together with Katy Ueckert for Thursday night, all day Friday, and Saturday morning.
Saturday night there were AMAZING fireworks in Tye, which started an hour late but were still worth it. After the fireworks, Stacey came and spent the night. Church Sunday morning, and a day FULL of cleaning to prepare for (dun dun dun) The Visit of the Cousins!
Monday morning, more cleaning, and then waiting at the DPS office for over FOUR HOURS to get my license. So much for thinking we could do it during Dad's lunch break and be home in time to clean more before the Drevet's got here around three. We ended up getting home long after they arrived.
We had a full week with the cousins, including me getting up at 5:35 for track practice every day, going to the Grace Museum, going to the Zoo (twice, once to see animals and once to listen to some fun music), going to see How To Train Your Dragon in the $1.50 theatre (we were the only people in the entire theatre, it was fantastic), eating tons of tasty food, going to a fun (and very messy) get together with my youth group, and then a fun (and very sweaty) work day the next day, also with my youth group. All in all, a very full week - especially since Saturday night I figured out that I could go to Harmony Plains, packed in a blur of speed and confusion, and left Sunday right after church.
Harmony Plains Singing School is kind of like Harmony Hill Singing School (which I've attended the past two years, but couldn't go this year since it happened while I was in Spain) but in the opposite direction (Lubbock instead of Azle), so a whole different set of people show up. I lost my voice for a few days (not the best place to do that) but had a BLAST meeting new people, learning new songs, getting up even EARLIER than I get up for track to help cook and serve breakfast, and generally hanging out with awesome folks that all long to serve and glorify God. Friday night was performance night, and all the classes sang the songs we'd been working on all week. After the evening service there were bonfires with hot dogs and s'mores and glowsticks (which only went in the fire on accident, wink wink). After the bonfire there was a lock in for all the jr. high/high school/college students, and all the candy in the concession stand that hadn't gotten sold throughout the week was free range for everyone (cue stampede). After the lock-in, I collapsed in bed, and then woke up late (seven thirty-ish) Saturday to pack everything up and store everything for next year, and then drive home.
I didn't ever get all the way home, however, as we met my parents at the Wal-Mart fifteen minutes from my house and I switched cars for another road trip, this time to Brenham to visit the Starr's. We stayed there Saturday evening and night, went to their church Sunday morning, had lunch, and then came home.
This morning I did NOT go to track practice, figuring that sleeping in and recovering from the last of this terrible cough was worth getting one more day out of shape (Sorry coach!).
Today I've been working on the Steer Clear program (yay insurance discounts!) and finding an on-campus job, as well as last minute adjustments to my course-load (because apparently there aren't enough of us to warrant an Honors English class after all so I have normal English instead, but I still have to have two Honors classes, but I don't want my Bible class to be Honors and there's no such thing as Honors Psych or Honors Basic Drawing and I'm already taking Honors Core, and I was thinking about adding another course anyways, etc. etc. etc. All that should be worked out by a meeting with my course advisor.)
And now you are caught up on my life! :)
I stayed at my grandma's house for a few days recovering from jet lag and waiting for Mom's plane to come in. I drove home from Justin Thursday morning in my NEWLY PAINTED CAR (which I didn't know about until we arrived at the car place, me confused and mom giggling). I got together with Katy Ueckert for Thursday night, all day Friday, and Saturday morning.
Saturday night there were AMAZING fireworks in Tye, which started an hour late but were still worth it. After the fireworks, Stacey came and spent the night. Church Sunday morning, and a day FULL of cleaning to prepare for (dun dun dun) The Visit of the Cousins!
Monday morning, more cleaning, and then waiting at the DPS office for over FOUR HOURS to get my license. So much for thinking we could do it during Dad's lunch break and be home in time to clean more before the Drevet's got here around three. We ended up getting home long after they arrived.
We had a full week with the cousins, including me getting up at 5:35 for track practice every day, going to the Grace Museum, going to the Zoo (twice, once to see animals and once to listen to some fun music), going to see How To Train Your Dragon in the $1.50 theatre (we were the only people in the entire theatre, it was fantastic), eating tons of tasty food, going to a fun (and very messy) get together with my youth group, and then a fun (and very sweaty) work day the next day, also with my youth group. All in all, a very full week - especially since Saturday night I figured out that I could go to Harmony Plains, packed in a blur of speed and confusion, and left Sunday right after church.
Harmony Plains Singing School is kind of like Harmony Hill Singing School (which I've attended the past two years, but couldn't go this year since it happened while I was in Spain) but in the opposite direction (Lubbock instead of Azle), so a whole different set of people show up. I lost my voice for a few days (not the best place to do that) but had a BLAST meeting new people, learning new songs, getting up even EARLIER than I get up for track to help cook and serve breakfast, and generally hanging out with awesome folks that all long to serve and glorify God. Friday night was performance night, and all the classes sang the songs we'd been working on all week. After the evening service there were bonfires with hot dogs and s'mores and glowsticks (which only went in the fire on accident, wink wink). After the bonfire there was a lock in for all the jr. high/high school/college students, and all the candy in the concession stand that hadn't gotten sold throughout the week was free range for everyone (cue stampede). After the lock-in, I collapsed in bed, and then woke up late (seven thirty-ish) Saturday to pack everything up and store everything for next year, and then drive home.
I didn't ever get all the way home, however, as we met my parents at the Wal-Mart fifteen minutes from my house and I switched cars for another road trip, this time to Brenham to visit the Starr's. We stayed there Saturday evening and night, went to their church Sunday morning, had lunch, and then came home.
This morning I did NOT go to track practice, figuring that sleeping in and recovering from the last of this terrible cough was worth getting one more day out of shape (Sorry coach!).
Today I've been working on the Steer Clear program (yay insurance discounts!) and finding an on-campus job, as well as last minute adjustments to my course-load (because apparently there aren't enough of us to warrant an Honors English class after all so I have normal English instead, but I still have to have two Honors classes, but I don't want my Bible class to be Honors and there's no such thing as Honors Psych or Honors Basic Drawing and I'm already taking Honors Core, and I was thinking about adding another course anyways, etc. etc. etc. All that should be worked out by a meeting with my course advisor.)
And now you are caught up on my life! :)
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